You know how I knew it was going to snow on Thursday? Because every NY curmudgeon texted me this morning to tell me. And not as a romantic reminder to bundle up or to come over to “Noodle and Canoodle“, but to scare me into snowy submission.
Curmudgeon #1: It’s coooooooold today.
Me: Would you like me to realign the Earth’s axis so we’re below the equator?
Curmudgeon #2: It’s going to snow today, cover up your rack today.
Me: Not when I’m indoors.
Curmudgeon #3: It’s going to be fucking cold and snowing all day. Did you get snow boots yet?
Me: No, you didn’t buy them for me.
I put on every itchy wool thing I own over my Heattech long underwear, then my parka (or as I lovingly call it my sleeping bag), and my motorcycle boots ready to walk around in the snow! My usually creepy alley is now a winter wonderland for the transient rats and raccoons. The pile of black garbage bags lining up the sidewalks is no longer an eyesore but snow-capped mounds.
But the twenty-pound bag of laundry I had to schlep five fucking blocks and a flight of stairs can suck it. Can you fucking cars slow down? I’m trying to not get fucking wet and pneumonia over here! Are these people really walking this slow? Oh cause they’re wearing god damn Jordans in the snow! Did no one tell them it’s going to snow today? Don’t y’all usually wear Timbs? Cause you were in the summer? These damn kids have every app but can’t fucking look at the weather icon unless someone posts a damn Instagram story with it.
Oh FML I’m a curmudgeon too.
No one is my muse today cause y’all annoying af.