Welcome to California fellow traveller! You’re pretty late for the gold rush and a bit asymmetrical (aren’t we all) to be in Hollywood, but fear not, we know you have come from a far away land for a taste of our finest Mexican food offerings and we can deliver. In the south (San Diego to Santa Barbara), you will encounter many varieties of tacos from land to sea, while up in the north the burrito rules the land. If you are unfamiliar with Mexican food, please let me Google that for you. Once you’re done, let me show you the proper burrito etiquette before you embarrass your travel companions.
Step 1: Order your burrito from a taqueria. Have a seat and feel the weight of meat, beans, rice, salsa, queso, crema and guacamole in the palm of your hand. Flip it from one side to the other until you’re comfortable with the grip. Slightly rest your burrito on the table while supporting most of the weight with your hand. Then, proceed to undress the top 1/4 to 1/3 of the foil off with your other hand.
Step 2: After you’ve taken your first bite and reveled in all of its delicious glory, take the foil you tore off and roll it into a ball. Don’t hurt yourself, it’s not that sharp.
Step 3: Hopefully, you’ve watched and followed what everyone else is doing and loaded up a bunch of little plastic cups with colorful liquids. That’s salsa, by the way. A sauce ranging from mild to hot made from secret ingredients like tomato, chilis, garlic, onion, more chilis and of course, chile.
Now, pick that little container up and pour the salsa in the mouth puncture you’ve made from your first bite. Congratulations, you’re eating a burrito!
Step 4: Continue eating your burrito until you’ve had enough or until your pants buttons pop, your zipper unzips or your skirt turns into a mini skirt! But don’t forget to keep making that good ole’ foil ball, it is a sign of a true burrito connoisseur and everyone who displays one on their table will be seen as one. All hail burrito buds!
Step 5: If you’re not going to overeat, give it to someone who is still hungry. Luckily, I married someone who will eat my leftovers (my pet peeve). I lovingly call him, Compost but only at meal times.
Step 6: Make sure to build your beautiful foil ball by amassing every bit of foil before it goes into Compost’s mouth. If your companions have also ordered a burrito, steal their foil. They have no idea what to do with it and they’re only eating a delicious burrito because of you anyway.
My dear Californians, is this how you eat your burrito? If not, tell me how you consume this meat-bean-rice-salsa roll @charmbtrippin!